I couldn't sleep the other night so I watched a Golden Girls marathon on TV. All the ladies in my family basically love this show because of the characters and the fact that it's just a fun show about four very different, older women. Rose reminds is all of my grandmother because they both have the same sweet, kind of naive air. Anyway, the episodes I watched, for some reason, kept dealing with death and not being able to live life because the fear of death hovered too close for comfort.
Dorothy said something about missing her mother already even though she was lying right there (Sophia was having gall bladder problems but they didn't know what was wrong with her and the paramedics couldn't get there so they were all sitting with her hoping she wasn't dying. Oi, again). It got me thinking about how truly short life is. Ten years might seem like a lot but in ten years I'll be 35, my sister will be 28, my mom will be 61, my grandmother will be in her 80s. It's not that far away and of course these thoughts made my throat close up and I sat there half laughing half crying because Golden Girls made me have a panic attack,
Living in Boston and in Istanbul is a curse and a blessing. I'm too far away from my family, the most important people in my life, and I'm so afraid of missing things I can't enjoy my time here, where work and friends are better options. Of course then I try to get to everything and end up missing the most important events. I missed my grandfather's documentary's premiere night which was really unfair. I'm not sure how unfair it really was but in my head it stands to reason and a corner of my mind will not let that go. I recently missed my cousin's birthday. Everyone surprised her with a special dinner and though I had to be here for the KISS show and seeing my Elliot and getting my apartment packed up, it still smarts a little.
Fearing death is just the bigger picture of all these little worries and regrets. I recently started re-reading Lamb. Christopher Moore is one of my favorite authors because he writes in such a funny, sarcastic, and weird tone. He creates bizarre characters as well as ones that are easy to identify with and always has an element of the supernatural, even spiritual, in his books. I hope to write a book much like his one day. Lamb is about the life of Jesus but through the eyes of his best friend Biff. Biff is never mentioned in the Bible so God brings him back to write a new Gospel, to fill in the blank years up until Jesus turned 30. In the story, they travel to Afghanistan and India and seek out the three wise men who teach both different spiritual beliefs in order to prepare Jesus (know as Joshua, Josh in the story) to become the Messiah and Biff to stand by him and help. It's so very fictional and yet, I'd like to believe it's real. One of the wise men tells Josh that all fear comes from the unknown, if you knew what was coming you wouldn't be afraid and that's true. So the biggest unknown is death and thus, my biggest fear. The book isn't preachy or overtly Christian or any other religion in the slightest. It's underlying message is basically, love everyone and it really humanizes a figure most have to remember that, in the end, was just another lost person who didn't know what was expected of him.
It's kind of a comfort to read it again, now and then.
I just wrote a piece about metal music and the metal scene in Turkey. We don't have much but we have the enthusiasm but I'm sure it'll be ripped to shreds once it comes out. Oh the internet. I wish the movers would get here. I've been waiting for the past 2 hours. I just want everything moved, set up, and settled with my pictures hanging up so I can breathe and maybe even sleep again.
I got two new owl rings. They wink at me from my fingers.