Friday, October 1, 2010

I Go Crazy, Oh So Crazy

I think the universe is trying to communicate with me through my iPod. It's always set on shuffle and the songs that come up really are trying to tell me something, Let's examine the evidence. Yesterday, after my foul mood had somewhat subsided I decided to go to the gym around 8:30 at night. On the way, I listened to my music and the first song to come up was, "Jump" by Madonna, the live version. I love that song and it always cheers me up and gets my adrenaline flowing. Next up was, "She's Got Balls," by AC/DC. Okay, I do have metaphorical balls and I am strong and I will get through the stupid days. Hooray me! And then I stepped off the curb and almost got hit by a bus and the song that started playing right afterwards was, "Blackout." Touche, universe, touche. Then I skipped ahead and it was, "The Lonely Shepherd." Well, yes I do feel lonely most of the time and melancholy music is not going to help that so we skip ahead and get Freddie Mercury's, "Living On My Own." I don't have no time for no monkey business indeed. See? No point in living in sad city when awesome town is right around the corner with, "Bang Your Head," by Quiet Riot. When all else fails, turn to metal. But what does, "Paradise City," right after it mean? I should go where the grass is green and the girls are pretty? LOS ANGELES? OH COME ON. Or... universe are you telling me I should be a lesbian? Oh. Apparently not. The next song was Motley Crue, "Chicks = Trouble." "What in the World," indeed, you said it Bowie. And then Van Halen's, "Poundcake," which also rang true because yes I would much rather be cooking up a long-lost recipe (and eating it) than be at the gym.

Is it bad that I always compare myself to the bigger ladies there and feel a tiny bit better? I did work out pretty hard though, my shirt was soaked through with sweat and I almost fell off the elliptical when I tried to jump down.

On the way home, I always walk by the same bar and hotel in Copley Square. I have this paranoia that the same people are always in there and they always see me trudging home, almost limping, sweaty, tired, and with my bangs scraped back in a weird, flat half-pompadour on my head. I kind of want to go in there, all put together, just to be like, "I don't ALWAYS look like that person, come on you just catch me at the wrong hour of evening."

This are the things I think about on the way home. They have nice doormen though. It was really windy and humid last night and as I walked by the one duty just said, "One more hour, hold out one more hour!' I laughed along with him but unfortunately it started raining maybe 2 seconds after he said that. He wished me a good rest of my night and I did the same for him. See? We're not all mean bastards in Boston.

I always fall for beauty and bath advertisements. I don't think there's a mascara out there I haven't tried. I have decent lashes except they're really light at the ends which pisses me off because of course, every other hair on my Middle Eastern body is darker than Rasputin's asshole but the hair that should be isn't. I still haven't found the perfect mascara and I'm not sure it exists. It's all a scam. I do use a Sephora's blue mascara though and it looks quite good on me and I'll thank you for not calling me a clown. It's a dark indigo blue. Anyway, I also fall for all shampoo and hair and body schemes too. I got a cherry blossom and ginseng shampoo that's supposed to be, "rejuvenating." I don't know what it rejuvenated but my hair smells like candy. I also got Dove's body wash in pomegranate and lemon verbena scent. It felt like I had washed with regular soap after I sued it, rather than the moisturizing extravaganza it was supposed to be. I was all stiff and squeaky. And my hair was stiff too. I mean, I guess stiffness is all right if you're a boy about to score but not on my hair and body. Ew, not like that on my hair and body either. My hair was especially troublesome as I've stopped brushing it when it's wet as that apparently breaks the hair and you're not supposed to brush curly hair anyway, just use fingers.

Ow, ow, OW SON OF A BITCH WHERE'S MY BRUSH? Screw what "they" say. I'll brush my goddamn hair. It looks weird when I don't and my part looks all crooked. Besides, I use enough products for curly hair they should do their job. We're apparently not supposed to shampoo our hair either but gee, having a knot of greasy dreadlocks just never appealed to me for some reason.

I have probably tried every product for curly hair too. I never really see a difference but I have mousses, creams, sprays, no gels because they're gross, spritzy stuff and even weird gummy wax stuff. I don't use it all at once, good God no. At max three. And a diffuser.

Sometimes I wish I had Jane Birkin hair.

But then I'd look like every other scene hipster girl and I think my hair kind of makes me stand out, as dumb as that sounds. I'm sorry but if I'm going to make the effort to look nice and tame my hair into good curls, and pass muster even by the disapproving standards I set myself, dammit I want to stand out. Lady friends, where are you? Validate me as I don't think any guys read this or any of my guy friends though I do bully them over Facebook to. Besides, I really doubt they'd get all mushy about how their non-single friend girl looks good. Though when I first got my bangs I did keep straightening my hair for a while and a couple guy friends did notice and make delightful comments. One has since become an L.A. zombie though and probably would never notice anything different about me now even if I got huge implants and smacked him in the face with them. Well maybe he'd notice that. They are one of the more noticeable assets his current girlfriend has. I'm such a bitch, man.

But. But, but, but he's the one who has forgotten all about us, his friends. I don't get when guys act like that after they get girlfriends. Okay, girls have their faults too, we usually ditch all our friends just to spend time with the boy and I'm guilty of this too back when I first started dating my boy and I do regret stuff like missing out on some things my roommates and then best friends did or had going on. But they probably don't hold it against me and if they do I'm so sorry, I was young and dumb and please tell me what I can do to make it up to you. Boys on the other hand, just seem to lose their souls. I will keep mum on names and I will always be pleasant to their lady companions but this is more to cover my ass than to be tactful. Hey, I'm nice and polite to everyone, even if I don't approve. I'm like my cat, Egg. Lovable and furry and I don't bite unless you don't quit poking me. But I don't think I'm like that. You know what I mean by that. That kind of girlfriend. The kind that throws a shit fit at the drop of a hat? I think i'm pretty mellow. Mellow like my sleepy time tea. It supposedly relaxes you and helps you sleep. Personally, I like the blackout effect of Tylenol PM when I can't sleep. Nyquil is good too but only when I'm sick or else we get in to raised eyebrow territory and no I don't chug cold medicine. Aleve PM is all right too but gives me jerky, fitful sleeping and weird nightmares. Last time, I dreamt I had a Tasmanian Devil tattoo, the Looney Tunes character, and I went to a tattoo shop and asked them to please cover it up and gave suggestions. They flat out said no, it couldn't be done which is when I realized in the dream that it was a dream because what the hell? You're an artist, rise up to the challenge!

Let's look at Megan Fox for a while. I just bought Elle Magazine because she's on the cover. She's so pretty. I enjoy looking at her.

Sometimes she says really dumb things though and I remember the days I really loathed her. Now, she just seems like such a pretty decoration. But like decorations she really shouldn't speak. Only annoying decorations speak. Like that Big-Mouth Billy Bass. Ugh. I will take him to the goddamn river and drown him. Except he's a fish so he wouldn't drown. Fine, I'll take him to the river, tease him by not dropping him in the water, and drown him ashore.

I really don't know how I got from mystical iPods to Billy Bass. I'm gonna eat some Cheez-Its and get back to writing. Don't worry mom they're reduced fat. And it's cheese crackers, how bad can they be? Cheese is protein. right? Oh no that's peanuts. Bang yooooour heeeeaaad.


  1. I love your hair. My hair is sooo thin and I wish when I flat ironed it, I didn't have to tease it to make it seem thick at all. You can still tell it's thin when I rat it up. I can, at least. It bums me out!

  2. Thank you pretty lady! And you shush, I don't call just anyone pretty lady you know.


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