Sunday, October 3, 2010

Of Bathrooms, Good Ass Jeans, and Top Ten Lists

I was in New York about a month ago and I was staying with my mom in her hotel when I clicked on the TV and came across Vh1's, Greatest Artists of All Time list. Man, I remember when I would watch these countdowns religiously. I thought they were fun and interesting and I loved to argue with the screen when they would pick something that was absolutely wrong. I don't know why I placed so much importance in these lists as it just boils down to what some people believe to be true. Just because they got Ted Nugent to grudgingly admit Bon Jovi is one of the greatest metal bands (on the Greatest Metal Bands countdown) doesn't mean they actually are. Plus, why pick only the bands people have heard of? Yeah, you're obviously going to pick Black Sabbath as number one but guess what? I will get yelled at metal elitists but I find them boring. What about bands like Angel Witch? Your average person has probably never heard of them but I'd argue they should get a space on that list. Just because no one's ever heard of them doesn't negate their influence and "best status." Note: I didn't know Black Sabbath won out as the number one, I guessed it and then I just looked it up. Ding, ding, ding I was right. I think I always wished they'd put more of an effort in picking their choice but when it comes down to it, no one wants to watch some show about how a dinky little black metal band is actually very good, they'd like to feature big names like Rob Halford and jackass Lars Ulrich and VH1 teacher's pet Scott Ian blow even more smoke up Black Sabbath's ass.

But then, that's the draw I think. I really loved to watch whom they interviewed more than the list. Watching Bruce Dickinson explain why certain people chose metal was priceless: "Some people turn to like, bunnies and stuff like that. Others turned to metal." No matter what the list though, they always picked people who absolutely looooved whatever number they were talking about. Peter Gabriel was on Greatest Artists list and they had like 4 people talk about how "In Your Eyes," is the best song ever. No. It is not. Say Anything is an overrated movie, I hate John Cusack's character and the fact that he still represents "the sensitive boy" that everyone wants. I don't fucking want him. And if you're going with an epic Peter Gabriel song, pick, "Solsbury Hill." It's used in every trailer for every dramedy about coming to terms with what life hands you (I'm thinking of that Topher Grace/Dennis Quaid movie that nobody saw) and if I didn't secretly like it a lot, I would be sick to death of it.

I also sometimes questioned the people they picked. They had some dude once with corpse paint and his title was, "Metal Expert." WHAT. What makes him an expert? Because he has dumb make-up on he knows what he's talking about? What about the other, "expert," the guy wearing a Saxon shirt? No one listens to Saxon, you tool, so if you really like them you're giving the field of, "Metal Expertise," a bad name and if you're wearing it ironically well you should just kill yourself now because you spent money to wear something you don't like but think is kitschy and then went on a national show to broadcast this. Can I have this job? I feel like I could do really well in this market. Could I earn money being an official, "metal expert," and make business cards? Now would I have to take a whole class or just one test? And if you're the expert, how come you just agree with all the choices give to you? Can you not think of any bands that best befit this list on your own? Well that's not very expert-like.

I would like to see people sitting there going, "Nuh-uh, I don't agree. Here's why." Like when Beyonce got on the list too. Are you freakin' kidding me? She has been around for ten years, maybe less. What the hell makes her so great that she surpasses someone like Muddy Waters who isn't even on the list? I'm not the hugest blues fan but I know the importance of someone's influence and skill and ability to, I don't know, WRITE THEIR OWN SONGS. Beyonce has some catchy songs, yes, but with simple lyrics that appeal to either brain dead girls or brain dead gay men, she doesn't play an instrument, doesn't compose anything (oh bullshit on the writing credits for songs. That means she was in the room where the people who actually wrote the songs were working), and beyond having a good voice, doesn't do anything else. To be the greatest at something, I think you should work at it. Having a good voice is luck, it's something the universe gave you. What you do with that voice is what makes you great. But wait Leyla, Beyonce did do great things with her voice. She rose up and worked hard and had to wear the same outfits as two other girls before she could be an artist in her own right! Blah, blah, blah whatever. "If you like it then you should have put a ring on it," is hardly ground-breaking material.

But, as I said. It's someone else's opinion. Just because I disagree with it doesn't make me right. But it doesn't make me wrong either. Here are a few of MY top lists. I spent days of research, mulling over the choices, arguing with myself the pros and cons of each candidate, and even going as far as interviewing independent third parties to get objective opinions. Nah, I'm just kidding. Thought of them right now off the top of my head.

The Top Ten Weirdest Cats
10) The orange cat in our backyard that likes to surprise sex the females.
09) The other cat in our backyard that licks the spicy curry off the chicken we give it.
08) Maru
07) Egg
06) The cats in Jakarta Kate's dad told her about (with the hook tails)
05) Cheetahs
04) Yet another cat in our backyard that retched at chocolate milk
03) Persian cats
02) Cornish Rex cats
01) Sphynx cats

The Top 5 Best Colors
5) Turquoise
4) Hot Pink
3) Grey
2) Electric Purple
1) Royal Blue

The Top Ten Most Flattering Pieces of Clothing I Own
10) H&M lace dress
09) Mavi skinny jeans (good ass jeans)
08) Rob Halford t-shirt
07) Urban Outfitters leopard dress with front pockets
06) Evil Dead leather jacket
05) Denim studded vests (both)
04) Victoria's Secret Pink push-up bra
03) Zara white lace skirt
02) Red beaded Ranna Gill dress handed down from my mom
01) BDG fitted black pants (not me in the picture)

Top Ten Best Hardcore Superstar Songs
10) It's My Life
09) Shades of Grey
08) Nervous Breakdown
07) My Good Reputation
06) Spit It Out
05) We Don't Celebrate Sundays
04) Shame
03) Sensitive to the Light
02) Silence For the Peacefully
01) Not Dancing, Wanna Know Why?

Top Fifteen BEST Cats
15) Siamese
14) Russian Blue
13) Norwegian Forest Cat
12) Scottish Fold
11) Kittens
10) Bengal
09) Snow Leopard
08) Tiger
07) Abyssinian
06) Van Cat
05) Egyptian Mau
04) Ocelot
03) Bombay Cat
02) Any stray that needs a home
01) Egg

Top Ten Best Elephant-Themed Pieces I Own
10) White inlaid elephant bracelet from India
08) Silver bangle with engraved elephants
07) Elephant ring from Kit's mom's store
06) White elephant Aldo pendant
05) Gold Aldo ring
04) Ganeshji tapestry
03) Camel bone elephant figurines
02) Marble elephant figure
01) Mina's vintage elephant necklace she gave me

Top Five Bathrooms I've Ever Used
05) Harrods
04) Beyti
03) Park Hotel in Japan
02) Every single one in any Taj/Oberoi Hotel In India
01) My own in Istanbul

Worst Five Bathrooms I've Ever Used
05) Chinatown
04) Any bar in Istanbul
03) Behind the train outside while shooting friend's film Ivan
02) Any stop in eastern Turkey
01) Delhi airport

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