Monday, October 11, 2010

We're Men, (Manly Men!). Or, How Television Shaped My Perception of Boys, Part II

I most definitely had pho again last night after that post. And yes, it was just as delicious.

Weird stuff though. The restaurant played Duran Duran's, "Come Undone," and then I got a text from my mom saying she just met Simon Le Bon (the lead singer) and his wife in India. Yes, my parents are in India. I am jealous and envious and we won't discuss it further because they MET SIMON LE BON AND LAST TIME WE WERE THERE THEY SAT NEXT TO STING AND I COULD'VE MET STING BUT I DON'T CARE ABOUT HIM SO I TOOK MY TIME GETTING DOWN TO BREAKFAST AT WHICH POINT HE HAD LEFT BUT I WOULD RATHER BE THERE NOW AND MEET SIMON LE BON AND WE COULD HAVE BREAKFAST TOGETHER BECAUSE IT WOULD BE BREAKFAST TIME AND WE'D BOTH BE HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF. Doot, doot doo-doo, doot doo doo doo-doo.

The universe is amazing. My fortune cookie also told me that, "Writing is a craft, not an art," which was pretty profound and freaked me out because I had just been complaining about not being a writer and how saying I was a writer felt like a total pretentious asshole lie to tell but then today I finally received editing work from my job and also wrote another piece for MetalSucks. I looked for messages in my coffee from Starbucks today but I just saw my name on the cup. It said it was for Alena.

Stop fucking with me universe.

I digress.

I recently discovered a new blog, Apocalypstick and in a funny coincidence, it turned out I'd met the author a few years ago in a chance encounter at college. She writes at great length about Disney characters and her ultimate man is Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. Don't raise your eyebrows, I totally get her. After all, all my ideal males come from "children's" classics as well. Here is part two of my man show. I've talked about my action stars but let's take a step back. Back to when I first started thinking about the uglier sex.

Kermit the Frog.

Now, most of my ideal men are fictional or two dimensional or puppets. Don't judge me, this is what little girls watch and learn. Kermit was amazing. If I didn't love Miss Piggy I'd be jealous of her. He was smart, and together, and everyone came to him for advice and he just tried so hard to put on a good show. I wanted someone like Kermit because we'd live in a wonderful vaudeville fairy tale together. His one fault was that sometimes he ignored Miss Piggy too much and that was hurtful since she was clearly under the impression that they were an item. Kermie, if you didn't want her, you should've let her know. But I forgive you because she was quite the over-bearing sow and I would never be as clingy as her.

The Muppet Show also gave me other "men" with characteristics I wanted. Gonzo with his weirdness and good nature, Rowlf and his music, Fozzie and his funniness. There was a period in college where my friend and I couldn't help but be attracted to the comedy troupe guys and I have a sneaking suspicion The Muppet Show cast started that fire.

Bart Simpson

I made a really embarrassing confession while in college. I told my friend that I when I was younger, I had a Bart Simpson doll that I'd make out with. And now I've told the internet so that will haunt me forever. I don't care, Our love was pure and good. Bart was probably the only bad boy I ever liked. He was just so, "cool." When people try to explain the meaning or essence of cool they just go off on that something special, the je ne sais quoi, the ineffable. I just say, "Bart Simpson." But beyond being just a rebellious cool dude, he had that appealing side. No matter how cool we thought he was, he still got bullied and tormented and managed to survive it with his usual smart-assery and tricks. He was no emo weakling, he had balls. Metaphorical, yellow balls.

Charlie Brown

Charlie Brown was the ultimate sad sack and yet I loved him dearly because I just wanted to be there for him. I would NEVER move the football right before he kicked it, I'd treat him right. Everyone always joked that Peppermint Patty was a lesbian but I understood her. She just loved her Chuck but he was too caught up in his bullshit that he didn't notice her. He just liked the red-headed girl he couldn't have. Isn't that always the story? The best friend girl always gets passed up for the elusive, pretty one. Stupid, unappreciative ginger.

The Ninja Turtles

They're so amazing, they're worth mentioning again. It's almost Halloween and so various sexy versions of costumes are out. I saw a sexy Ninja Turtles costume and almost threw a fit in the middle of the store. That is SO THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A TURTLE. The Turtles were easy-going, fun, and good. They liked April who hung around in an unflattering jumpsuit and didn't do anything with her hair. They liked the fun, girl-next-door who was happy to eat pizza with them and help them as they fought evil. There was a smart one, a leader, a fun one, and a sarcastic one. Altogether, they made the ultimate best friend/boy I wanted. It's weird that the stoner dude was my favorite though. I can't stand the real-life version of that. If I had to pick now, I'd probably be a Raphael girl but I'm loyal so I'll stick with Michelangelo. He's pretty tubular.

I never liked these characters as humans. The good guy next door. Why? Because he, like every other guy, wanted the hot girl and settled for the best friend after going through a bunch of useless trials he could've avoided had he just opened his eyes. I don't know, I might take that a bit personally but as a cartoon, it's forgivable because hey, you're not real.

I really wish Kermit was real.

There were a bunch of characters I absolutely despised too. Peter Pan, what a jackass. Okay yeah the mermaids and Princess Tiger Lily were a lot hotter than Wendy and I secretly always wanted my name to be Tiger Lilly and when Michael Hutchence from INXS named his daughter that, I was more than a little jealous, but you're technically with Wendy. Hell, you're on a date with her. Don't ignore her to go play footsie with the mermaids. Especially since they don't have any feet.

Pinoccio was an immature dolt as well. Simba, with his slicked mane was a spineless whiner which is why Scar captured my heart and don't even get me started on Mowgli. Of course Ashlee Simpson named her son after him, the lame are attracted to the lame! Bagheera, now he got shit done. He was also tall, dark, and handsome. Bet he was a panther in bed. Oh I amuse me. No but seriously, don't try to have sex with a real panther.

Aladdin was okay. But I was never really that into him. I think he'd make a fun older brother though, Prince Ali, fabulous he.

Quit looking at me like that, at least I'm not a furry.


  1. Bart Simpson is after all the ultimate bad boy, way badder than that poser Dylan McKay.

  2. fact:
    -kermit is the ideal man.
    -the ninja turtles are effing rad. (i'm mainly a leonardo girl but my crush has dabbled over to donatello more than once).
    - i always wanted to be april.
    - bagheera is sexy, 'nuff said.


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