We're Men, (Manly Men!). Or, How Television Shaped My Perception of Boys, Part II

I most definitely had pho again last night after that post. And yes, it was just as delicious.

Weird stuff though. The restaurant played Duran Duran's, "Come Undone," and then I got a text from my mom saying she just met Simon Le Bon (the lead singer) and his wife in India. Yes, my parents are in India. I am jealous and envious and we won't discuss it further because they MET SIMON LE BON AND LAST TIME WE WERE THERE THEY SAT NEXT TO STING AND I COULD'VE MET STING BUT I DON'T CARE ABOUT HIM SO I TOOK MY TIME GETTING DOWN TO BREAKFAST AT WHICH POINT HE HAD LEFT BUT I WOULD RATHER BE THERE NOW AND MEET SIMON LE BON AND WE COULD HAVE BREAKFAST TOGETHER BECAUSE IT WOULD BE BREAKFAST TIME AND WE'D BOTH BE HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF. Doot, doot doo-doo, doot doo doo doo-doo.

The universe is amazing. My fortune cookie also told me that, "Writing is a craft, not an art," which was pretty profound and freaked me out because I had just been complaining about not being a writer and how saying I was a writer felt like a total pretentious asshole lie to tell but then today I finally received editing work from my job and also wrote another piece for MetalSucks. I looked for messages in my coffee from Starbucks today but I just saw my name on the cup. It said it was for Alena.

Stop fucking with me universe.

I digress.

I recently discovered a new blog, Apocalypstick and in a funny coincidence, it turned out I'd met the author a few years ago in a chance encounter at college. She writes at great length about Disney characters and her ultimate man is Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. Don't raise your eyebrows, I totally get her. After all, all my ideal males come from "children's" classics as well. Here is part two of my man show. I've talked about my action stars but let's take a step back. Back to when I first started thinking about the uglier sex.

Kermit the Frog.


Now, most of my ideal men are fictional or two dimensional or puppets. Don't judge me, this is what little girls watch and learn. Kermit was amazing. If I didn't love Miss Piggy I'd be jealous of her. He was smart, and together, and everyone came to him for advice and he just tried so hard to put on a good show. I wanted someone like Kermit because we'd live in a wonderful vaudeville fairy tale together. His one fault was that sometimes he ignored Miss Piggy too much and that was hurtful since she was clearly under the impression that they were an item. Kermie, if you didn't want her, you should've let her know. But I forgive you because she was quite the over-bearing sow and I would never be as clingy as her.

The Muppet Show also gave me other "men" with characteristics I wanted. Gonzo with his weirdness and good nature, Rowlf and his music, Fozzie and his funniness. There was a period in college where my friend and I couldn't help but be attracted to the comedy troupe guys and I have a sneaking suspicion The Muppet Show cast started that fire.

Bart Simpson


I made a really embarrassing confession while in college. I told my friend that I when I was younger, I had a Bart Simpson doll that I'd make out with. And now I've told the internet so that will haunt me forever. I don't care, Our love was pure and good. Bart was probably the only bad boy I ever liked. He was just so, "cool." When people try to explain the meaning or essence of cool they just go off on that something special, the je ne sais quoi, the ineffable. I just say, "Bart Simpson." But beyond being just a rebellious cool dude, he had that appealing side. No matter how cool we thought he was, he still got bullied and tormented and managed to survive it with his usual smart-assery and tricks. He was no emo weakling, he had balls. Metaphorical, yellow balls.

Charlie Brown


Charlie Brown was the ultimate sad sack and yet I loved him dearly because I just wanted to be there for him. I would NEVER move the football right before he kicked it, I'd treat him right. Everyone always joked that Peppermint Patty was a lesbian but I understood her. She just loved her Chuck but he was too caught up in his bullshit that he didn't notice her. He just liked the red-headed girl he couldn't have. Isn't that always the story? The best friend girl always gets passed up for the elusive, pretty one. Stupid, unappreciative ginger.

The Ninja Turtles


They're so amazing, they're worth mentioning again. It's almost Halloween and so various sexy versions of costumes are out. I saw a sexy Ninja Turtles costume and almost threw a fit in the middle of the store. That is SO THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A TURTLE. The Turtles were easy-going, fun, and good. They liked April who hung around in an unflattering jumpsuit and didn't do anything with her hair. They liked the fun, girl-next-door who was happy to eat pizza with them and help them as they fought evil. There was a smart one, a leader, a fun one, and a sarcastic one. Altogether, they made the ultimate best friend/boy I wanted. It's weird that the stoner dude was my favorite though. I can't stand the real-life version of that. If I had to pick now, I'd probably be a Raphael girl but I'm loyal so I'll stick with Michelangelo. He's pretty tubular.

I never liked these characters as humans. The good guy next door. Why? Because he, like every other guy, wanted the hot girl and settled for the best friend after going through a bunch of useless trials he could've avoided had he just opened his eyes. I don't know, I might take that a bit personally but as a cartoon, it's forgivable because hey, you're not real.

I really wish Kermit was real.

There were a bunch of characters I absolutely despised too. Peter Pan, what a jackass. Okay yeah the mermaids and Princess Tiger Lily were a lot hotter than Wendy and I secretly always wanted my name to be Tiger Lilly and when Michael Hutchence from INXS named his daughter that, I was more than a little jealous, but you're technically with Wendy. Hell, you're on a date with her. Don't ignore her to go play footsie with the mermaids. Especially since they don't have any feet.

Pinoccio was an immature dolt as well. Simba, with his slicked mane was a spineless whiner which is why Scar captured my heart and don't even get me started on Mowgli. Of course Ashlee Simpson named her son after him, the lame are attracted to the lame! Bagheera, now he got shit done. He was also tall, dark, and handsome. Bet he was a panther in bed. Oh I amuse me. No but seriously, don't try to have sex with a real panther.

Aladdin was okay. But I was never really that into him. I think he'd make a fun older brother though, Prince Ali, fabulous he.

Quit looking at me like that, at least I'm not a furry.

Because Unlike Some Other Robin Hoods, I Have a British Accent

I just sent my sister off back to New York after a weekend of shopping and fooding including a particular night where I put way too much chili oil in my pho and basically sweated out the soup as I was eating it. Mm, delicious I know. Pho is great. It's my favorite. Spicy noodle soup with scallions, onions, and beef. I mean, it's nothing earth-shattering but I could probably have it for a week straight and not be sick of it. To think I never used to have it because it had cilantro. Cilantro is godawful. Don't you argue with me, you know it's true. But pho! You can make it spicy, you can make it all hoisin plum-y, you can switch up the meats or the noodles. It's just goodness. My favorite is really spicy with good beef and lots of noodles, easy on the onions.

So I'm just sitting here eating my lunch and Robin Hood: Men In Tights is on and of course I have to watch it because like that's even a question. The first time I saw it, I was in 4th grade and it was the movie the class voted on to watch as part of the year-end , "Yaaaay we don't have to do work but still have to be in school," times. I loved it. And I loved Cary Elwes. I didn't grow up with Princess Bride which is when every other girl fell in love with him but funnily enough, I kind of get a loophole with that. You see, when I was in elementary school, we had a horrible snowstorm one winter. One other older girl and I were the only kids who actually made it there on time. I remember a particular teacher, one I never had but who had a reputation for being "cool," took us both to the main building (this was on my old campus where the school was spread out in a variety of former apartments and trailers. Yes trailers. Big, tin metal trailers. We froze in the winter and got heat-stroke in the summer but it was still infinitely better than the shit hole we moved to when I was in 9th grade. You could fucking see Bulgaria from where that campus was. We used to dream of making a break for it and escaping through the fields on cows and sheep.) and sat us down and put a movie on. All I remembered from that movie was that there was a girl and boy walking through some swampy land and her dress caught on fire. Years later, I realized it was Princess Bride so I kind of did have it in my childhood like everyone else.

But anyway, Cary. Oh Cary.


He's what older, classy women in Turkey (and probably France, as that's where we got the word) would describe as a jeune. He was just such a leading man. Charming, eloquent, and a star. In movies that were hilarious, wonderful classics no less. Then I saw him in Saw and in Liar Liar and he was chubby and angry and, well, there went that fantasy but for a while, Cary Elwes ruled the world of comedic period pieces.

Last night, a bunch of us watched Aladdin. There's no shame in that, quit judging me. All I know, I've gleaned through Disney movies. But thinking about the star of that film, Jafar (duh), made me realize my, "ideal," celluloid men might be a little different than other normal, little girls'.

My dad raised us on action movies. I remember clearly watching Die Hard with a Vengeance on a plane and shrieking in anger when they cut it off because the stupid plane had the audacity to prepare for landing. More than action movies though, we loved the world of "action" and the actors. My dad took me to the Naked Gun movies in theaters. When he found out Arnold Schwarzenegger was in a kiddie movie, Kindergarden Cop, he didn't even think twice about taking me and my cousin. My cousin got scared and wanted to leave. I shrugged and said no, I was fine when my dad asked me. My cousin is a boy and a month older than I am. When we were on a cruise with fourteen members of my family, we found out that the ship's movie theater was showing XXX: State of the Union, and all trooped in to watch it. It sucked. No one holds a candle to Vin Diesel when he's in the Xander zone. The first person I sent a message to after watching The Expendables was not my dad, but it was to my mom to tell her to tell my dad to see it. We love action movies. And movies with excessvie violence. My dad took me and my sister to Inglourious Basterds. In a full theater, we were the only ones to come out with broad smiles and warm, fuzzy feelings in our bellies. Everyone else just looked kind of green. Don't even get me started on Christoph Waltz. I won't stop. No I really won't.

Aw, look at his happy Nazi face.


As I got older, I was introduced to Mafia movies and shows. My dad loves The Sopranos and can quote Scarface at length. And will do it, even though it's mostly to piss off my mom. She always makes faces at our "manly" tastes but I think it's all an act. Her favorite scene in Pulp Fiction is when Marvin's head gets blown off as they're driving over a pothole. She will laugh until she cries at the mention of it.

Then came martial arts movies, which my boyfriend also loves with a hearty passion. I remember going to The Protector and coming out feeling so exhausted because we were so engrossed in it, it felt like we kicked and fought our way through film too..

The Protector; The loving story of what a man will do to get his elephant back.


We will watch, or try to watch, anything that has Jackie Chan in it. Especially if it's Around the World in 80 Days with Steve Coogan and ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER AS AN OTTOMAN SULTAN.


We love our action movies and action stars. Except Jean-Claude. He's just not as worthy. But that high kick is pretty impressive. Oh JCVD, you try so hard.


I like action movies and action stars. But I absolutely love the villains. Hans Gruber, Jeremy Irons as Jeremy Irons in everything Jeremy Irons has ever done, Prince John. I mean, you could probably explain this away with oh, I'm a girl I like the bad boys. I mean, I like rock stars too. However, it goes beyond that because well frankly, I'm not some bimbo who chases bad seeds because I feel I can "change." Piss on that, I have better things to do with my time. I think it's because although we like to cheer the hero on, the villain is just so much more interesting to watch. And that's what I want from my characters; some unique thing that separates them from the herd. In this way, it's not just a the bad boys or whatever. I will sit and yell for the good guys too if they give me something to yell about. Take for instance Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I was raised on that series.


My cousin and I had all the collectibles, we got the tapes, and we had themed sleepovers. I had to be Donatello because he wore purple which is girly but I liked Michelangelo best. That show toyed with my emotions like no other because as much as I loved each of my turtle boys whether they were the party dude or the one who, "did," machines, I couldn't help but love Shredder too, even if they didn't cut him no slack.


Why don't they make shows like that anymore? I grew up in Turkey but I lucked out because every single family member would tape episodes and buy stuff for me and my cousin whenever they travelled. We were not denied any American pop culture especially when they were heroes in a half-shell. Ugh, the British version was Teenage Mutant HERO Turtles. Yuck. How stupid. Everyone knows ninjas are just cooler and more bad-ass than simple-minded heroes. Way to go Britain, you ruin everything.

There's also Disney and all my male figures therein. Unlike the other girls (except my friends who were just as smart as I was), I turn my nose up at the princes. Come on. The one in Snow White says and does NOTHING. He kisses some hot girl who might as well be dead for all he knows. Sorry, not good enough. If he drop-kicked the evil stepmother after foiling her plans to take over the kingdom with help of German terrorists, that would've been a different story. Cinderella's prince has a more interesting father (don't you love bumbling kings? The sultan is another great one) but at least has one funny saving grace; he yawns at the gawking females during the ball (my cousin and I always thought this was hilarious). Prince Phillip in Sleeping Beauty, kind of had personality, actually. It was just boring. Beast from Beauty and the Beast was only awesome when he was a beast. I'm serious. He was so scary and intimidating and you couldn't avert your eyes every time he was on-screen. When he turned back into a human, he became a Ken doll. Literally, like all the sexual tension and attraction was gone. Between him and Belle I mean. Of course.

I liked Jafar. He was so cold, so calculating, so devilish, and his beard was so... twisted.



I liked Scar. Because he was Jeremy Irons as Jeremy Irons in everything Jeremy Irons has ever done.


And his song, "Be Prepared?" WITH MARCHING NAZI HYENAS? I was terrified and thrilled to the point where had I wet myself, I wouldn't know for what reason.

Again, it's not that they're bad boys. No, if that was the whole truth I'd like Frollo from Notre Dame who sings that song about wanting to rape Esmerelda (listen to it again, it's beyond disturbing). This is just further proof that we, mostly I, need characters, not bland cut-outs because I liked the good guys as well. But only if they had some great characteristic going for them. I liked Disney's Robin Hood. He was a fox, (hur, hur). He was charming and daring and cute, and man, don't look at me like that, I was not the only one admiring a two dimensional animal. I liked Zazu and Iago because I like self-righteous angry bird-men with crabby attitudes (one is a good guy the other is Gilbert Gottfried). I liked Stitch because he was a psychotic super smart alien hell-bent on destruction who had moves like Elvis. He was "bad," but then he was, "good," and he's still my favorite Disney character.

I liked Gaston because even though he was a pompous peacock and used antlers in all of his decorating, he wasn't just freakin' wall-paper like Prince Valiant or Prince Charming. God, they even had dumb names.

Hang on, they're doing the eponymous song on Men in Tights.



Sure, there are girls who like the bad boys and the rocks stars and the rebels. You like them because they command attention and are sure of themselves. They have character. They don't fade out. That's what it comes down to. As long as you're not something bland like, I don't know, terrible lo mein from Nan Ling, I will admire and like you. But you can be a "nice guy," and still have that. Half the action stars usually do, I mean, have you seen True Lies? Best Arnold movie ever and he's just a nice, normal family guy (Harry, who're you kidding with that accent?) and then it turns out he's like Superman with a secret identity and has to save everyone. He's amazing to watch. Take for another example, my boyfriend. He's a nice guy and I love him for it. But he's the best kind of nice guy, he has a motorcycle, loves metal, and thinks I'm the bees knees. He's like Pho Hoa's pho, familiar and tasty.

THAT'S IT. I like men, movie and otherwise, like I like my pho; delicious with that certain kick that makes you sweat.

She Is The Lady in Red When Everybody Else Is Wearing Tan

I have a new bad habit that's driving my boyfriend insane; I keep watching The Nanny. Back in my younger days when Nick at Nite would show proper TV shows like I Love Lucy and Dragnet, I'd make myself stay up for hours just so I could watch it. I loved Lucille Ball and I still do. Her show was engaging and silly and funny and it just made everything seem okay, much like all the other family shows of the '40s and '50s. I never watched the episodes in color, only black and white, and without little Ricky. I just liked the interaction between Lucy and Ricky and Ethel and Fred. But now Nick at Nite (Nickelodeon after a certain hour) shows TV programs from the early '90s and not only does this make me feel old (really? Fresh Prince?) it just doesn't have the same air of nostalgia. Except, two shows have kind of grown on me and I just keep watching them. It's not my fault they're on at night when nothing else is and I'm getting ready for bed and need my TV time before sleeping.

The George Lopez Show is basically an exercise in Hispanic stereotypes but it won me over with the line, "Your mother and I have NEVER set foot in a disco. WE ARE A METAL FAMILY." I catch it when it's on now as one of those silly sitcoms you can keep on in the background while you do other stuff. The other show is The Nanny. It's on almost every evening for hours and I just, sort of, kind of, have fallen in love with it. Fran Drescher in the role of Fran Fine the nanny is amazing. She's loud, obnoxious, but confident, rather beautiful in a different out-of-the-norm way, but her voice grates on your nerves, and still you can't help but be enthralled by the train wreck she is. The supporting cast are lovable and create the perfect "straight" characters for her and the rest of her family to bounce off of. Pairing the New York jews with the New York gentiles makes some of the best comedic studies in contrasts. I always love mock enemies on sitcoms so the way the butler Niles and Fran's boss, the famous Max Sheffield's, business associate Cici bicker is so silly and filled with lame zingers, I love it.

Not to mention her outfits! The show is known for having outlandish costumes, especially on Fran and her mother, grandmother, friends. But some of them are kind of awesome. I couldn't really find any examples of the costumes I loved but there was one episode where she had a flipped out bob, a dark sweater, and the best, most colorful skirt that made her look like the perfect mod. In fact, she channels the '60s British mod look quite often and I love it. The episodes where Joan Collins starred as her boss's dad's secretary-turned-wife were incredible. Shoulder pads, zebra print, and bold red were the theme of that episode and I loved watching two characters known for their over-the-top ensembles play off of each other. Plus, I love anything leopard print (I just got the Jeffrey Campbell leopard wedges, and have about 3 dresses in various prints of the animal) and Miss Fine is definitely not lacking in that pattern. They're loud outfits but they have personality and they just seem to work so well on her because no matter how bizarre they are, they're always cut to flatter her figure. Plus, she has gorgeous curly dark hair and wonderful facial structure. I honestly think she was and is one of the more beautiful women on TV. Oh and her grandmother, "Yetta?" With sequined sweaters, fluffy hair, and amazing glasses, she's exactly the eccentric older woman I want to grow into. Haha, my mother would be horrified.



The "help" Fran and Niles.

The fabulous Yetta.


The equally fabulous Joan Collins.


An outfit I've worn in a slightly different way (I don't really go for turtlenecks).

Of Bathrooms, Good Ass Jeans, and Top Ten Lists

I was in New York about a month ago and I was staying with my mom in her hotel when I clicked on the TV and came across Vh1's, Greatest Artists of All Time list. Man, I remember when I would watch these countdowns religiously. I thought they were fun and interesting and I loved to argue with the screen when they would pick something that was absolutely wrong. I don't know why I placed so much importance in these lists as it just boils down to what some people believe to be true. Just because they got Ted Nugent to grudgingly admit Bon Jovi is one of the greatest metal bands (on the Greatest Metal Bands countdown) doesn't mean they actually are. Plus, why pick only the bands people have heard of? Yeah, you're obviously going to pick Black Sabbath as number one but guess what? I will get yelled at metal elitists but I find them boring. What about bands like Angel Witch? Your average person has probably never heard of them but I'd argue they should get a space on that list. Just because no one's ever heard of them doesn't negate their influence and "best status." Note: I didn't know Black Sabbath won out as the number one, I guessed it and then I just looked it up. Ding, ding, ding I was right. I think I always wished they'd put more of an effort in picking their choice but when it comes down to it, no one wants to watch some show about how a dinky little black metal band is actually very good, they'd like to feature big names like Rob Halford and jackass Lars Ulrich and VH1 teacher's pet Scott Ian blow even more smoke up Black Sabbath's ass.

But then, that's the draw I think. I really loved to watch whom they interviewed more than the list. Watching Bruce Dickinson explain why certain people chose metal was priceless: "Some people turn to like, bunnies and stuff like that. Others turned to metal." No matter what the list though, they always picked people who absolutely looooved whatever number they were talking about. Peter Gabriel was on Greatest Artists list and they had like 4 people talk about how "In Your Eyes," is the best song ever. No. It is not. Say Anything is an overrated movie, I hate John Cusack's character and the fact that he still represents "the sensitive boy" that everyone wants. I don't fucking want him. And if you're going with an epic Peter Gabriel song, pick, "Solsbury Hill." It's used in every trailer for every dramedy about coming to terms with what life hands you (I'm thinking of that Topher Grace/Dennis Quaid movie that nobody saw) and if I didn't secretly like it a lot, I would be sick to death of it.

I also sometimes questioned the people they picked. They had some dude once with corpse paint and his title was, "Metal Expert." WHAT. What makes him an expert? Because he has dumb make-up on he knows what he's talking about? What about the other, "expert," the guy wearing a Saxon shirt? No one listens to Saxon, you tool, so if you really like them you're giving the field of, "Metal Expertise," a bad name and if you're wearing it ironically well you should just kill yourself now because you spent money to wear something you don't like but think is kitschy and then went on a national show to broadcast this. Can I have this job? I feel like I could do really well in this market. Could I earn money being an official, "metal expert," and make business cards? Now would I have to take a whole class or just one test? And if you're the expert, how come you just agree with all the choices give to you? Can you not think of any bands that best befit this list on your own? Well that's not very expert-like.

I would like to see people sitting there going, "Nuh-uh, I don't agree. Here's why." Like when Beyonce got on the list too. Are you freakin' kidding me? She has been around for ten years, maybe less. What the hell makes her so great that she surpasses someone like Muddy Waters who isn't even on the list? I'm not the hugest blues fan but I know the importance of someone's influence and skill and ability to, I don't know, WRITE THEIR OWN SONGS. Beyonce has some catchy songs, yes, but with simple lyrics that appeal to either brain dead girls or brain dead gay men, she doesn't play an instrument, doesn't compose anything (oh bullshit on the writing credits for songs. That means she was in the room where the people who actually wrote the songs were working), and beyond having a good voice, doesn't do anything else. To be the greatest at something, I think you should work at it. Having a good voice is luck, it's something the universe gave you. What you do with that voice is what makes you great. But wait Leyla, Beyonce did do great things with her voice. She rose up and worked hard and had to wear the same outfits as two other girls before she could be an artist in her own right! Blah, blah, blah whatever. "If you like it then you should have put a ring on it," is hardly ground-breaking material.

But, as I said. It's someone else's opinion. Just because I disagree with it doesn't make me right. But it doesn't make me wrong either. Here are a few of MY top lists. I spent days of research, mulling over the choices, arguing with myself the pros and cons of each candidate, and even going as far as interviewing independent third parties to get objective opinions. Nah, I'm just kidding. Thought of them right now off the top of my head.

The Top Ten Weirdest Cats
10) The orange cat in our backyard that likes to surprise sex the females.
09) The other cat in our backyard that licks the spicy curry off the chicken we give it.
08) Maru
07) Egg
06) The cats in Jakarta Kate's dad told her about (with the hook tails)
05) Cheetahs
04) Yet another cat in our backyard that retched at chocolate milk
03) Persian cats
02) Cornish Rex cats
01) Sphynx cats


The Top 5 Best Colors
5) Turquoise
4) Hot Pink
3) Grey
2) Electric Purple
1) Royal Blue


The Top Ten Most Flattering Pieces of Clothing I Own
10) H&M lace dress
09) Mavi skinny jeans (good ass jeans)
08) Rob Halford t-shirt
07) Urban Outfitters leopard dress with front pockets
06) Evil Dead leather jacket
05) Denim studded vests (both)
04) Victoria's Secret Pink push-up bra
03) Zara white lace skirt
02) Red beaded Ranna Gill dress handed down from my mom
01) BDG fitted black pants (not me in the picture)


Top Ten Best Hardcore Superstar Songs
10) It's My Life
09) Shades of Grey
08) Nervous Breakdown
07) My Good Reputation
06) Spit It Out
05) We Don't Celebrate Sundays
04) Shame
03) Sensitive to the Light
02) Silence For the Peacefully
01) Not Dancing, Wanna Know Why?


Top Fifteen BEST Cats
15) Siamese
14) Russian Blue
13) Norwegian Forest Cat
12) Scottish Fold
11) Kittens
10) Bengal
09) Snow Leopard
08) Tiger
07) Abyssinian
06) Van Cat
05) Egyptian Mau
04) Ocelot
03) Bombay Cat
02) Any stray that needs a home
01) Egg


Top Ten Best Elephant-Themed Pieces I Own
10) White inlaid elephant bracelet from India
08) Silver bangle with engraved elephants
07) Elephant ring from Kit's mom's store
06) White elephant Aldo pendant
05) Gold Aldo ring
04) Ganeshji tapestry
03) Camel bone elephant figurines
02) Marble elephant figure
01) Mina's vintage elephant necklace she gave me


Top Five Bathrooms I've Ever Used
05) Harrods
04) Beyti
03) Park Hotel in Japan
02) Every single one in any Taj/Oberoi Hotel In India
01) My own in Istanbul


Worst Five Bathrooms I've Ever Used
05) Chinatown
04) Any bar in Istanbul
03) Behind the train outside while shooting friend's film Ivan
02) Any stop in eastern Turkey
01) Delhi airport

CAT-astrophe!

The first picture I ever saw of Miss Egglita.

Worst title ever, I know. But it makes me snort, so, as my boyfriend would say, feh.

We've had some kitty issues lately. My two good friends recently adopted kitties and one has a cold that makes it keep rubbing his nose until it's all raw and bloody and the other accidentally got too friendly with the sick kitty and got a POW to the eye which made it swell up and get all irritated. We spent a good part of last night at the animal hospital's ER. Thankfully, the nice doctor said it didn't look like there was anything too bad but gave ointment and instructions to monitor it lest it gets worse. My poor friend is probably on par with the boy and I when it comes to animals (we're a pretty tough couple but show us a crying kitten and we will basically cry too) but I was glad we could be there for her. I wasn't there but apparently another cat was brought in and it was yowling in pain and covered in a blanket and my boyfriend still has a lump in his throat because of it.

Now we come to my cat, oh my darling cat. I guess I should call her our cat because my boyfriend gets all snippy when I say, "my" but since he doesn't stop by here too often- sorry sweetie pie, Egg's MINE.

Egglet was found on the street by his mom. She was spayed and declawed and the friendliest, most human-loving cat ever. She was obviously not a stray but no one claimed her even though Elliot's mom fliered the entire town and called vets and everywhere else to try to locate her owners. Now she already had a cat and Egg seemed to be nervous around her because she had a peeing problem so we (I) adopted her. You guys, I love my cat. I say it often but I love her so goddamn much. I can make myself cry trying to think of what I would do if I didn't have her. Oh, oh here I go. What the hell?! She is my heart. But she still has bathroom issues. She'll go in her litter box and she does defecate in there but then she gets on these cycles of peeing on select walls in the house. First I did research on why this would be and got a near heart attack. Do NOT use the internet for any calming purposes. The reasons they gave me for why cats stop using litter boxes were urinary tract infections, diabetes, horrible pain associated with the litter box etc. I took her to the vet in Istanbul in my panic who said no, no she was fine but maybe the litter was too hard on her paws because she is declawed. Then I did research on declawed cats.

Holy God, do NOT USE THE INTERNET FOR RESEARCH ON HEALTH OR DIAGNOSIS. Do you know what declawing is?? They don't remove the claws, they amputate the last joint on the paws! Augh!

I mean, I'm not here to judge but poor kitties! Anyway, we switched to another litter in Istanbul and that seemed to work out fine. But then, she still had times when she peed on my hallway rug and wall. She likes peeing on soft rugs, this is the constant pattern. I think she gets annoyed or mad at us and does it to teach us a lesson. But now she's doing it in the new apartment here in Boston and it's not because we disrupted her life, she's been here for two months! She just started regularly peeing on the walls and secret corners and I don't know why. She has all her food, I clean her litter box almost immediately after she uses it because I know she has some bathroom trauma (she hates pooping. She will use the litter box and then run like a mad banshee out of there and frantically wipe her paws on the nearest thing. Which is usually my rug), and I play with her and give her more love than she can possibly need. She's a very affectionate loving girl and she needs hugs, literally. She will follow you around until you pick her up and then position her front legs around your neck and just rub her face all over your shoulder and chin and hug you back as you hold her close.

I'm going to try a new litter and box today and then call the vet tomorrow. Even sprays that are supposed to divert kitty attention from certain areas don't work. She's becoming a psychotic devil cat who manipulates me and plays games with my poor heart because even when I'm so, so angry with her I'll break down in a few minutes later and start petting and cooing and loving her. Damn her giant yellow-green eyes.

My little Buttlet. Because sometimes, she's more of a butt than an egg. God, she's still so wonderful.

I Go Crazy, Oh So Crazy

I think the universe is trying to communicate with me through my iPod. It's always set on shuffle and the songs that come up really are trying to tell me something, Let's examine the evidence. Yesterday, after my foul mood had somewhat subsided I decided to go to the gym around 8:30 at night. On the way, I listened to my music and the first song to come up was, "Jump" by Madonna, the live version. I love that song and it always cheers me up and gets my adrenaline flowing. Next up was, "She's Got Balls," by AC/DC. Okay, I do have metaphorical balls and I am strong and I will get through the stupid days. Hooray me! And then I stepped off the curb and almost got hit by a bus and the song that started playing right afterwards was, "Blackout." Touche, universe, touche. Then I skipped ahead and it was, "The Lonely Shepherd." Well, yes I do feel lonely most of the time and melancholy music is not going to help that so we skip ahead and get Freddie Mercury's, "Living On My Own." I don't have no time for no monkey business indeed. See? No point in living in sad city when awesome town is right around the corner with, "Bang Your Head," by Quiet Riot. When all else fails, turn to metal. But what does, "Paradise City," right after it mean? I should go where the grass is green and the girls are pretty? LOS ANGELES? OH COME ON. Or... universe are you telling me I should be a lesbian? Oh. Apparently not. The next song was Motley Crue, "Chicks = Trouble." "What in the World," indeed, you said it Bowie. And then Van Halen's, "Poundcake," which also rang true because yes I would much rather be cooking up a long-lost recipe (and eating it) than be at the gym.

Is it bad that I always compare myself to the bigger ladies there and feel a tiny bit better? I did work out pretty hard though, my shirt was soaked through with sweat and I almost fell off the elliptical when I tried to jump down.

On the way home, I always walk by the same bar and hotel in Copley Square. I have this paranoia that the same people are always in there and they always see me trudging home, almost limping, sweaty, tired, and with my bangs scraped back in a weird, flat half-pompadour on my head. I kind of want to go in there, all put together, just to be like, "I don't ALWAYS look like that person, come on you just catch me at the wrong hour of evening."

This are the things I think about on the way home. They have nice doormen though. It was really windy and humid last night and as I walked by the one duty just said, "One more hour, hold out one more hour!' I laughed along with him but unfortunately it started raining maybe 2 seconds after he said that. He wished me a good rest of my night and I did the same for him. See? We're not all mean bastards in Boston.

I always fall for beauty and bath advertisements. I don't think there's a mascara out there I haven't tried. I have decent lashes except they're really light at the ends which pisses me off because of course, every other hair on my Middle Eastern body is darker than Rasputin's asshole but the hair that should be isn't. I still haven't found the perfect mascara and I'm not sure it exists. It's all a scam. I do use a Sephora's blue mascara though and it looks quite good on me and I'll thank you for not calling me a clown. It's a dark indigo blue. Anyway, I also fall for all shampoo and hair and body schemes too. I got a cherry blossom and ginseng shampoo that's supposed to be, "rejuvenating." I don't know what it rejuvenated but my hair smells like candy. I also got Dove's body wash in pomegranate and lemon verbena scent. It felt like I had washed with regular soap after I sued it, rather than the moisturizing extravaganza it was supposed to be. I was all stiff and squeaky. And my hair was stiff too. I mean, I guess stiffness is all right if you're a boy about to score but not on my hair and body. Ew, not like that on my hair and body either. My hair was especially troublesome as I've stopped brushing it when it's wet as that apparently breaks the hair and you're not supposed to brush curly hair anyway, just use fingers.

Ow, ow, OW SON OF A BITCH WHERE'S MY BRUSH? Screw what "they" say. I'll brush my goddamn hair. It looks weird when I don't and my part looks all crooked. Besides, I use enough products for curly hair they should do their job. We're apparently not supposed to shampoo our hair either but gee, having a knot of greasy dreadlocks just never appealed to me for some reason.

I have probably tried every product for curly hair too. I never really see a difference but I have mousses, creams, sprays, no gels because they're gross, spritzy stuff and even weird gummy wax stuff. I don't use it all at once, good God no. At max three. And a diffuser.

Sometimes I wish I had Jane Birkin hair.





But then I'd look like every other scene hipster girl and I think my hair kind of makes me stand out, as dumb as that sounds. I'm sorry but if I'm going to make the effort to look nice and tame my hair into good curls, and pass muster even by the disapproving standards I set myself, dammit I want to stand out. Lady friends, where are you? Validate me as I don't think any guys read this or any of my guy friends though I do bully them over Facebook to. Besides, I really doubt they'd get all mushy about how their non-single friend girl looks good. Though when I first got my bangs I did keep straightening my hair for a while and a couple guy friends did notice and make delightful comments. One has since become an L.A. zombie though and probably would never notice anything different about me now even if I got huge implants and smacked him in the face with them. Well maybe he'd notice that. They are one of the more noticeable assets his current girlfriend has. I'm such a bitch, man.

But. But, but, but he's the one who has forgotten all about us, his friends. I don't get when guys act like that after they get girlfriends. Okay, girls have their faults too, we usually ditch all our friends just to spend time with the boy and I'm guilty of this too back when I first started dating my boy and I do regret stuff like missing out on some things my roommates and then best friends did or had going on. But they probably don't hold it against me and if they do I'm so sorry, I was young and dumb and please tell me what I can do to make it up to you. Boys on the other hand, just seem to lose their souls. I will keep mum on names and I will always be pleasant to their lady companions but this is more to cover my ass than to be tactful. Hey, I'm nice and polite to everyone, even if I don't approve. I'm like my cat, Egg. Lovable and furry and I don't bite unless you don't quit poking me. But I don't think I'm like that. You know what I mean by that. That kind of girlfriend. The kind that throws a shit fit at the drop of a hat? I think i'm pretty mellow. Mellow like my sleepy time tea. It supposedly relaxes you and helps you sleep. Personally, I like the blackout effect of Tylenol PM when I can't sleep. Nyquil is good too but only when I'm sick or else we get in to raised eyebrow territory and no I don't chug cold medicine. Aleve PM is all right too but gives me jerky, fitful sleeping and weird nightmares. Last time, I dreamt I had a Tasmanian Devil tattoo, the Looney Tunes character, and I went to a tattoo shop and asked them to please cover it up and gave suggestions. They flat out said no, it couldn't be done which is when I realized in the dream that it was a dream because what the hell? You're an artist, rise up to the challenge!

Let's look at Megan Fox for a while. I just bought Elle Magazine because she's on the cover. She's so pretty. I enjoy looking at her.




Sometimes she says really dumb things though and I remember the days I really loathed her. Now, she just seems like such a pretty decoration. But like decorations she really shouldn't speak. Only annoying decorations speak. Like that Big-Mouth Billy Bass. Ugh. I will take him to the goddamn river and drown him. Except he's a fish so he wouldn't drown. Fine, I'll take him to the river, tease him by not dropping him in the water, and drown him ashore.

I really don't know how I got from mystical iPods to Billy Bass. I'm gonna eat some Cheez-Its and get back to writing. Don't worry mom they're reduced fat. And it's cheese crackers, how bad can they be? Cheese is protein. right? Oh no that's peanuts. Bang yooooour heeeeaaad.

Rockin' Rollin' (Wo)Man

I'M A ROCKER
I'M A ROLLER
I'M A RIGHT OUT OF CONTROLLER
I'M A WHEELER
I'M A DEALER
I'M A WICKED WOMAN STEALER
I'M A BRUISER
I'M A CRUISER
I'M A ROCKIN' ROLLIN' MAN
GOT SLICKED BACK HAIR
SKINTIGHT JEANS
CADILLAC CAR
AND A TEENAGE DREAM
I'M A ROCKER



WATCH THIS. THEN GO READ MY ACCEPT SHOW REVIEW UP AT METALSUCKS

Bugger

I'm stealing the title of the post from my cat's blog. How sad is that? How much sadder is it that my cat has a blog? And that her posts are infinitely more fun to read? Go read them, she is very bright and computer-savvy. Like A Mews. Even my cat makes fun of my blog name.

I'm having a bad day. This is not your cue to sing that song. You know that song. The one that goes, "You had a bad day something, something, something, something you had a bad day." You know what I'm talking about. I hate that song. I hate it so much. It's whiny and self-indulgent and just a terrible, terrible song. It's so bad! I hate it! It's stuck in my goddamn head now.

The cherry on the icing of my shit sundae today came when I checked the mail and my Cat Fancy Magazine was not in it. How sad is it that not getting Cat Fancy is what's tipping the scales? And no, I didn't subscribe myself to it. I'm not that pathetic. It was a gift from my thoughtful boyfriend. He bought me a year's subscription. It would be truly pathetic if I got myself a subscription to Cat Fancy. I'll probably renew it at the end of the year. They're featuring a Bombay cat on the cover this next month and I want it as my kitty is a Bombay cat. I saw it when I was at Petco. I went to Petco two days in a row. To get cat food for my cat and to take my cat to get her claws trimmed. Because I don't like getting a blood transfusion every time I try to do it myself. I like Petco. I like all the animals they have. This is why I shouldn't be allowed to go to Petco. I waste precious "writing time" there, trying to get amphibians to love me. Except nowhere else carries my spoiled fat kitty's food. Science Diet Light for ages 1-6, "for optimum weight control," if you were curious. Let's take a moment to look at the pictures I took as I stood there wishing I could own every animal there. Especially the bug-eyed, long-tongued variety of animal.




I took a picture of a goddamn tarantula and thought it was cute. What is wrong with me?

I would like a skink one day though. The one they usually have was not there anymore. I hope he got a good home. Skink spam!





They're so very cute with their blue tongues. I wish to own many. There were other lizards there too. I got to watch them eat lunch. They chomped on live crickets and made the best faces.


Awww, they're kissing. Oh skinks. You inspire sonnets you muses of the reptile world.

So I'm having a bad day. I've gotten rejected so many times from so many jobs that when I got today's rejection email, I didn't even remember applying to the place. Just as well. It was in New York.

I really wish I had my Cat Fancy. Looking at cute kitties calms me down. Oh screw you, I like animals. Leave me alone.

I'm working on a novel and a screenplay. How pretentious does that sound? How sad is it that I can't get moving on either one even though I have piles of notes on my phone, on my iPod, on the sticky notes on my computer, and various other places. Isn't it sad that the reason is okay, what if I do write them. And manage to edit them well. Then submit them to Gersh who said I could. Then what? They're just going to read and give me coverage? Piss on that, I can do that myself thank you very much, it's my goddamn job. Or worse, send it back and say meh.

I'm having a bad day. My cat keeps peeing in secret corners. She also gets scared after pooping and runs out of the bathroom with her litterbox and wipes her paws like a madwoman on my rug. I really don't know what to do. She obviously has some bathroom trauma that I can't fix. Maybe I need a pet psychic. Maybe I need my damn Cat Fancy, it could have helpful advice. Maybe it's a Bombay cat thing but I won't know until the damn issue arrives.

Oh, but I got a letter from my best friend. She included a full-page ad for SPAM (with an exclusive offer for sterling silver spoon rings on the back) and a picture of us in fifth grade.


I'm the ugly dork in glasses. She's the one in the middle. The other girl is someone who went to elementary and middle school with us. I'm friends with her on Facebook but beyond that I don't think I've talked to her in about ten years.

I hate that, "You had a bad day," song so goddamn much.

She also sent this picture of a fire extinguisher dressed up in a bandanna and straw hat with a card calling me an, "awesome and bestest friend."


I guess it's not that bad a day. As long as I have a picture of a fire extinguisher dressed up in a bandanna and straw hat.