So, my job is a reader at a literary agency. I read scripts and books and write summaries along with comments and suggestions and analyze everything from the writing to the format and get paid next to nothing, but that's not the point. Anyway, because of this, I tend to read books critically even when it's not job readings. While I was reading
The Last Living Slut... I kept slipping into job mode and I think I'll write a review of it in said mode, albeit more relaxed. After all, I love groupie stories and she's out there claiming to be their new queen. This is also for the vintage groupies community I'm part of back on LJ. Though, I feel I should issue a caution notice for others who read this blog. So tread lightly.
Basically, she is an abused, messed up young woman. She had no father, hence no father figure, when she was younger, got molested and fingered by two different men (a boarder and a neighbor) between the ages of 5-7, and her stepfather beat the shit out of her all through her teenage years. I don't want to get to Freud-ish but man, does that sound like the type of woman who'll have healthy relationship with men and/or sex? She writes that she knows the stuff the men, especially the boarder who lived with them when she was 5, did were bad but she keeps trying to make the point that she liked it even if she knew it meant "she was going to hell." She says she went voluntarily to him, but the neighbor basically raped her. I don't know, it seems too much like she's trying to excuse their behavior, not unheard of with victims who don't know any better, which is reprehensible. The mens actions not hers, she was just a child for God's sake.
She moved to England when the shit storm of Islam, excuse me Islamic Revolution, broke out in Iran and she was bullied and harassed and finally found solace from her crappy life by dancing in strip clubs. I believe she's about 37 years old as she says she was 11 in 1984 when she moved to England. She went to university and was always at the top of her class but had her secret shady life on the side. She didn't lose her virginity until 24, which seems rather hard to believe but she doesn't count her encounters with girls, and then turned to rock'n'roll after her virginity taking night with Stuart Cable from Stereophonics.
Her first backstage encounter was with the singer of Bullet for my Valentine. Oh dear. I am a metal snob, I admit it but come on lady. Though, she gets his attention by suggesting a threesome with her and her 17-year-old girlfriend and then they get in a fight with the band manager/some girlfriend and Roxana has to be pinned down so she won't kill her. Which is pretty metal, let's be honest. Velvet Revolver makes her all fangirl crazy which is kind of sweet and she hears groupies complaining about how they can't get to the band because their wives and gfs are there and is happy she isn't desperate and pathetic like them. Good girl. She's very into making the roadies happy though and likes to giggle and make out with other girls. Most of her rock star encounters so far are just blow jobs and watching others and not getting involved herself. She helps Steven Adler pee though which I guess would be weird but I've read too many groupie stories to give that a second thought. It just seems kind of, well, sad. It's all very well if this took place in the 80s but it happened in like 2001. Even the musicians themselves know they're way pst their use-by dates and the new bands just don't have "it." What seems all dirty fun and shocking in 1982 with Motley Crue and
The Dirt, is just lame now because okay, it might be the same stuff over and over again but it's the same stuff over and over again. At some point you have to realize you're becoming a parody of yourself. Off the subject but I have to admit I love
The Dirt. It's so crass and rude and heartfelt at the same time.
So off she goes with Lori, her little pet, and they hook up with the Towers of London whom I've never heard of so they can't be that big a deal though they look pretty enough. Except her encounter is basically date rape. She's drugged up, drunk, feeling sick, and basically throwing up on the guy she doesn't even want to be with but lets him just to get it over with. Oh honey, no.
And then she has a seizure.
Getting past that, she hangs out quite a bit with the Towers boys, illustrates her penchant for orgies, but when she starts getting feelings decides to go corrupt a teenage band called Kid Ego. This is where I laughed out loud; when describing the band's glam looks she says one particular member looked more like he got shouted at by the donut rather than the devil. Come on, that is a great line for a faux emo glam kid with baby fat. So she decides to have sex with a sixteen-year-old. And everyone else. I'm still waiting to be shocked. Her story isn't any different from any other rock star's except she's at the receiving end and is smart enough to pick up a pen and capitalize on it. Yes, she's in charge of her sexuality but meh, even though she believes she's above all the "beginner," groupies, she still acts like an entitled bitch which isn't all that different when you're observing backstage behavior.
There are the girly moments especially when she hates herself for getting feelings, and there are the gross parts where she asks a band to urinate on her, but it's just like what her idea of a groupie should be and when she goes after it, she just gets disappointed. So she does the school stuff and then falls in love with Dizzy Reed, it's all sunshine and daisies for a while, then an abortion happens, he treats her like shit and just like any rock'n'roll love story, she tries to kill herself. Well, she obviously fails but the way she writes leading up to it is so genuine and yes a little horrifying. It's like any other girl experiencing heartache and stupidity. She has an abortion and tries to forget about it and Dizzy with sex and rock stars. It's her coping mechanism and with the way she's lived her life so far, it makes sense. But there is actual shame there, she's not a brazen whore. Honestly, I'd question her humanity if she wasn't affected by bleeding from the procedure while some dude tries to nail her. This is the judgmental side of me that truly questions just how in grasp of sexuality she claims to be though. On a side note to anyone: ALWAYS USE PROTECTION. She does refer back to her family and her mom so it's not like she's a totally broken result of her life, her mommy actually is the one who convinces her to go through with it because it's the right choice. She has family and connection, it'd be pretty fucking difficult to be Iranian and not because we don't let family very far out of our loving/cloying embrace. But the way she clings to the idea of letting him, even if she loves him, still just a man, down or making him mad by having a child, when he can't even pick up the phone to respond to her, is just, no. You are not a strong, confident woman no matter what you believe, not in this state.
Which is further confirmed because she can't be described as anything but a mess as we go further along. She does the same groupie shit but her head is so far up her ass that she kind of comes off as a desperate hooker rather than a sedate rock queen. her subjects are washed up men who she doesn't give a shit about but obsesses nonetheless. That, to me, is not empowering. The whole Dizzy debacle has unscrewed her, no pun intended, and you just pity her rather than cheer on her conquests. Which I kind of approve of; Faster Pussycat, Pretty Boy Floyd, and Enuff Z'Nuff. There's even humor in her getting cockblocked because all the guys are married and Matt Sorum doing one-handed push-ups to show how not bad for a 46-year-old he is after a rather long session with her and her friend. Yes, we've reached the part of the book that's dirty and depraved and she loves it, she's having fun, and if I were to analyze it, I'd say it's her mode of control, to get off with as many people at the same time as she can. But eh, good for her if she's having fun but walking around with no underwear on your period and showing off the bloodstains on your white dress isn't badass and woohoo female statement of power. It's just kind of grow up, will you? Which is why, after a slight breakdown and various identity crises, when she meets the god of depravity, Nikki Sixx, she's let down. He likes gardening and early nights and is a businessman, not a cock-rocking animal to her disappointment. Well sweetheart guess what,
he grew up. It's not a terrible thing to grow up. You can still be yourself which is what people seem to fear most about this whole growing up shebang but with her last couple chapters, our leading lady seems to realize this too.
Summary aside, the book itself is not very well written. Now don't get me wrong, it's not badly written either. I understand her Iranian penchant for trying to be flowery and descriptive with the language but it just doesn't come naturally and doesn't really flow on the page. I kept catching myself skimming her descriptives just because all right, I get it. You come from an exotic land of ripe pomegranates and figs and rice and lay on your silky carpets awash in color. See? How many of you would read that sentence over and over again? She seems to have a clear voice and once she gets past trying to be an "author" and actually writes, it's easier to swallow (hah.
Yes, there are some things that will raise the eyebrows of casual readers but for those of us with tastes that err on the band girl side, it's nothing that'll really shock you to the core. I don't think she's a dirty whore like some people have said and I don't think she can be lambasted for her actions while Patty Boyd or Bebe Buell and their ilk are treated like royalty. Every era has its own rules and ethics and she just got the tail-end of one that was dying out. Sex isn't something she's in control of as much as she'd like to believe but when you're messing that much with people and minds, how much control do you think you have? Her title is both earned but also not deserving but it would've been interesting to see it adjacent to the school career she keeps mentioning in passing. Maybe her feminism would have more weight to it if we could've actually seen her in a school environment because she has the brains and education but all we get is the backstage bimbo which she seems perfectly happy to put on as her identity.
Her exploitation of her Iranian roots and the deliberation she uses sex to highlight it is the most laughable part of the book though. This is the section that'll have people saying she's deliberately trying to be edgy and I agree. Yes, she may be educated and verbose but tying in a sexual awakening to a country in turmoil and blatant statutory rape with lyrical poetry is not romantic. Come on. These are tactics pretentious know-nothings with not a story to their name resort to, to make themselves appear worldly. She have the advantage of
being worldly, there is no need to dress it up.
And finally, yes we get it. You like sex. This story isn't about how she likes sex though, and I've read it. How can one expect to be taken seriously as a voice of feminism and sexuality when instead of trying to get your point across, you slap on this title and half-heartedly try to stand by it? Can't blame people for sneering at false controversy when you market yourself that way.
And on a last, pseudo-patriotic note, WOMAN LEAVE YOUR EYEBROWS ALONE. The plucked thin and tattooed look is very in with Persian ladies, especially those who have left menopause in the dust, but it never, ever, never looks good. WE HAVE EXCELLENT EYEBROWS. Get rid of the unibrow, pluck the stray hairs, but leave the general shape of it alone.
